Theater of War, Chapter One
Sep. 25th, 2008 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alliancesjrWorked up a rough bit of chapter one. Tell me what you think; criticism is definitely appreciated.
Chapter One
In which Hiroshi snarks at his mother, the characters are introduced, and the author forces himself to actually set up a scene before jumping right to the fun parts.
* * * * *
There were dangers in the forest, everyone knew. That was why civilians were discouraged from straying off the roads; get too deep into the forest proper, and bad things could happen.
The roads weren’t paved, though – just dirt beaten down by constant use by both feet and carts. It was smooth enough for a cart to travel without too many bumps, but definitely too rough for wheeled vehicles to go down at full tilt – any cart trying to go much faster than, say, a healthy trot would need a very good shock absorbing design, or it would shake itself apart.
A merchant’s cart was making its way down the road to the village, and the driver obviously was familiar with the trip; the horse was walking along at a decent but leisurely pace.
A twig snapped, causing the horse to pause and look around uncertainly. He made a nervous sound, and scuffed his hooves on the dirt path.
His rider patted his neck soothingly. "It’s all right," said the woman. "We’re going home. Home, remember?"
The horse calmed slightly – enough to continue along the path through the forest. The woman sank back into the saddle, and started to reach back into the cart—
"That’s far enough," a rough voice whispered, directly behind her. She felt the prick of a knife pressing against the back of her neck. "What is your name?"
"Misato," whispered the woman, carefully. She stared straight ahead, resisting the urge to spin around to see who was threatening her.
"I’m going to get myself comfortable in your cart, Misato, do you understand? Just nod."
Misato nodded quickly.
"Good," said the voice. "You’re not going to see me, even if you try to look. I’ll be well hidden. And when you get into the village, you’re going to pretend like everything is normal, do you understand? Just nod."
Misato nodded again, swallowing quickly. She realized that there was absolutely no way she could act cool when passing the guards. When the cart reached the gate, she figured, they would find the man and the worst that would happen to her was the confiscation of the cart.
The prick of the knife left her skin, and she counted to ten before turning around. As promised, the cart appeared precisely as it always did.
"Let’s...let’s go home, Kadan," she said to the horse, as calmly as she could.
-----
Kadan stopped again, pawing at the ground. Misato tensed; were the guards coming to her? Would the man get desperate and take her hostage?
A figure dropped out of the trees in front of the horse. She flinched in terror, before looking closely at the face. "Hiroshi, don’t do that!" she snapped.
The young man in front of her scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I’m sorry, ma."
"You’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days," said Misato, glaring.
"Yes, ma," said Hiroshi, stepping forward. "I just missed you so much that I thought I’d come meet you." He walked around to the edge of the cart and peered inside. "Ooh, you sold those tents in Kimura? I thought they were all into that whole modern 'self-setup' crap over there." He reached in and pulled out an apple. "Looks like that village has at least some taste."
The woman paled as she watched her son pull out three more apples. What if—
"Are your friends with you?" she asked, as casually as she could.
Hiroshi shook his head. "They stayed behind." He put three of the apples in the pack slung across his shoulder, and dropped it on the ground. Leaning against the cart, he took a large bite of the fourth apple. "Was there any trouble on the way back?" he asked.
His mother shook her head as much as she dared. Any minute now, the man inside would panic…
"Really?" said Hiroshi. "Glad to hear it. Let me just get rid of some of this trash, then." He jumped on top of the cart and drew a kunai out of its belt sheath. He wrenched back the front seat of the cart and deflected the immediate strike from underneath.
A black blur leapt from the cart and disappeared in the trees. Hiroshi grinned at his mother, stuck two fingers in his mouth, and whistled as loud as he could. There was a loud, meaty thud and the black object fell hard onto the ground.
"Sound ninja, huh?" said Hiroshi, twirling his kunai. "Didn’t think they’d try sneaking into Konoha from this direction."
A blond girl leapt down from the trees, massaging her knuckles. Misato recognized her; Sonozaki Hotaru, one of her son's friends and teammates. He wasn't as alone as he had initially claimed, she realized, breathing a bit easier.
Hotaru nodded politely to Misato, causing her blond hair to fall in front of her face. She flipped her ponytail back behind her, and dropped into a ready stance as the black-clad figure regained its footing.
Hiroshi closed his eyes in concentration and formed a few quick hand seals. He slammed his hands onto the dirt road, grinning in triumph as brown tendrils of mud snaked their way up the figure’s legs.
Hotaru charged at the struggling Sound ninja, lashing out with her empty fists. He countered as best as he could, but with his legs trapped in the ground, he couldn’t dodge her strikes as well as he wanted to. Each blow he didn’t intercept slowed him down even further, until she finally scored a stiffened finger strike to the throat.
Hiroshi lifted his hands from the road, and the mud fell away. The stunned ninja collapsed to the ground, clutching his throat.
Misato glanced between her son and the girl, then settled her gaze on the man writhing on the ground. "Is he going to die?" she asked.
Hotaru shook her head. "He’ll be able to breathe in a second. We'll need to tie him up so that he doesn't escape." She reached into her backpack, pulled out a length of rope, and started restraining the ninja’s hands and feet.
Hiroshi’s grin faltered as his mother glared at him. "What?" he asked, defensively. "Did you think I was going to let him terrorize Kadan all the way to Konoha?"
She continued to glare.
"And you, of course, dearest mother."
Glare.
"You were completely safe the entire time! Kensuke is up there with his freaky gizmo—"
A disgruntled "I heard that!" echoed through the trees.
"—and Gendou-sensei is around somewhere, too. Everything is fine."
Hiroshi’s mother sighed, and looked around. "I know. It’s just...it’s getting dangerous, isn’t it?"
Hiroshi nodded solemnly. "That’s what I keep saying, but no, you have to make the trip to the capital every season to the retail convention." He sighed as he threw up his hands in exasperation. "It's not like you can't just order from the catalogs."
A deep and cultured voice filtered through the trees. "I am sure your mother understands the need for safety, Hiroshi. She has her responsibilities, just as we have ours."
The shadows parted, revealing a tall man outfitted in all black Jounin gear. He walked up to the struggling Sound ninja and lifted his dark glasses. His one red eye examined the knots, and he nodded curtly in approval.
"My apologies for the deception, Moriyama-san," he said, bowing politely to Hiroshi’s mother.
Misato smiled weakly. "It’s fine, really," she said. "No real harm done, right?"
The blond girl stood up, hoisting the Sound ninja up onto his feet. "Would you like us to escort you to Konoha, Misato-san?"
"Thank you, Hotaru," Misato replied. "I would feel safer if you did."
Hotaru nodded, dragging the ninja to the cart. "What were you talking about back there, about them not attacking this road?" she asked Hiroshi, keeping her eyes on the figure. "Otokagure is this direction."
"Yeah, but you’d think they’d know we’d expect an assault from this direction," Hiroshi replied, hopping onto one of the few seats on the cart. "If they were smart, they'd circle around and strike at the far road."
Hotaru frowned. "But Konoha would be expecting them to do that, you'd think. Wouldn't they figure most of our defenses would be focused on that road? Which means that their best route would be the most direct."
"Reverse psychology, huh? Well then, couldn't you take it another step further and say they'd know we'd expect them to double back to the more direct route, and keep the bulk of our defenses there?"
"This is making my head hurt..."
After pausing to collect Kensuke – who was still fiddling with latches on some strange contraption – and his dog, the cart and its escort continued along the road through the forest. The trussed-up Oto-nin was still struggling, propped up in the pile of designer rugs in the back.
Continue to Chapter Two
Yes, it's a Naruto fanfic. SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT.
I figure the way I'm going to do this is in two parts. The first part will be the main story, which will have continuous chapters and a plot and such. The second part will be completely seperate from the main story, and will be little snapshots of these original characters in various time periods and situations. A series of one-shots, basically. This will allow me to have a creative outlet and continue with the world and the characters when the main story is frustrating me, so that I don't just give up completely.
What do you think?
Chapter One
In which Hiroshi snarks at his mother, the characters are introduced, and the author forces himself to actually set up a scene before jumping right to the fun parts.
* * * * *
There were dangers in the forest, everyone knew. That was why civilians were discouraged from straying off the roads; get too deep into the forest proper, and bad things could happen.
The roads weren’t paved, though – just dirt beaten down by constant use by both feet and carts. It was smooth enough for a cart to travel without too many bumps, but definitely too rough for wheeled vehicles to go down at full tilt – any cart trying to go much faster than, say, a healthy trot would need a very good shock absorbing design, or it would shake itself apart.
A merchant’s cart was making its way down the road to the village, and the driver obviously was familiar with the trip; the horse was walking along at a decent but leisurely pace.
A twig snapped, causing the horse to pause and look around uncertainly. He made a nervous sound, and scuffed his hooves on the dirt path.
His rider patted his neck soothingly. "It’s all right," said the woman. "We’re going home. Home, remember?"
The horse calmed slightly – enough to continue along the path through the forest. The woman sank back into the saddle, and started to reach back into the cart—
"That’s far enough," a rough voice whispered, directly behind her. She felt the prick of a knife pressing against the back of her neck. "What is your name?"
"Misato," whispered the woman, carefully. She stared straight ahead, resisting the urge to spin around to see who was threatening her.
"I’m going to get myself comfortable in your cart, Misato, do you understand? Just nod."
Misato nodded quickly.
"Good," said the voice. "You’re not going to see me, even if you try to look. I’ll be well hidden. And when you get into the village, you’re going to pretend like everything is normal, do you understand? Just nod."
Misato nodded again, swallowing quickly. She realized that there was absolutely no way she could act cool when passing the guards. When the cart reached the gate, she figured, they would find the man and the worst that would happen to her was the confiscation of the cart.
The prick of the knife left her skin, and she counted to ten before turning around. As promised, the cart appeared precisely as it always did.
"Let’s...let’s go home, Kadan," she said to the horse, as calmly as she could.
-----
Kadan stopped again, pawing at the ground. Misato tensed; were the guards coming to her? Would the man get desperate and take her hostage?
A figure dropped out of the trees in front of the horse. She flinched in terror, before looking closely at the face. "Hiroshi, don’t do that!" she snapped.
The young man in front of her scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "I’m sorry, ma."
"You’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days," said Misato, glaring.
"Yes, ma," said Hiroshi, stepping forward. "I just missed you so much that I thought I’d come meet you." He walked around to the edge of the cart and peered inside. "Ooh, you sold those tents in Kimura? I thought they were all into that whole modern 'self-setup' crap over there." He reached in and pulled out an apple. "Looks like that village has at least some taste."
The woman paled as she watched her son pull out three more apples. What if—
"Are your friends with you?" she asked, as casually as she could.
Hiroshi shook his head. "They stayed behind." He put three of the apples in the pack slung across his shoulder, and dropped it on the ground. Leaning against the cart, he took a large bite of the fourth apple. "Was there any trouble on the way back?" he asked.
His mother shook her head as much as she dared. Any minute now, the man inside would panic…
"Really?" said Hiroshi. "Glad to hear it. Let me just get rid of some of this trash, then." He jumped on top of the cart and drew a kunai out of its belt sheath. He wrenched back the front seat of the cart and deflected the immediate strike from underneath.
A black blur leapt from the cart and disappeared in the trees. Hiroshi grinned at his mother, stuck two fingers in his mouth, and whistled as loud as he could. There was a loud, meaty thud and the black object fell hard onto the ground.
"Sound ninja, huh?" said Hiroshi, twirling his kunai. "Didn’t think they’d try sneaking into Konoha from this direction."
A blond girl leapt down from the trees, massaging her knuckles. Misato recognized her; Sonozaki Hotaru, one of her son's friends and teammates. He wasn't as alone as he had initially claimed, she realized, breathing a bit easier.
Hotaru nodded politely to Misato, causing her blond hair to fall in front of her face. She flipped her ponytail back behind her, and dropped into a ready stance as the black-clad figure regained its footing.
Hiroshi closed his eyes in concentration and formed a few quick hand seals. He slammed his hands onto the dirt road, grinning in triumph as brown tendrils of mud snaked their way up the figure’s legs.
Hotaru charged at the struggling Sound ninja, lashing out with her empty fists. He countered as best as he could, but with his legs trapped in the ground, he couldn’t dodge her strikes as well as he wanted to. Each blow he didn’t intercept slowed him down even further, until she finally scored a stiffened finger strike to the throat.
Hiroshi lifted his hands from the road, and the mud fell away. The stunned ninja collapsed to the ground, clutching his throat.
Misato glanced between her son and the girl, then settled her gaze on the man writhing on the ground. "Is he going to die?" she asked.
Hotaru shook her head. "He’ll be able to breathe in a second. We'll need to tie him up so that he doesn't escape." She reached into her backpack, pulled out a length of rope, and started restraining the ninja’s hands and feet.
Hiroshi’s grin faltered as his mother glared at him. "What?" he asked, defensively. "Did you think I was going to let him terrorize Kadan all the way to Konoha?"
She continued to glare.
"And you, of course, dearest mother."
Glare.
"You were completely safe the entire time! Kensuke is up there with his freaky gizmo—"
A disgruntled "I heard that!" echoed through the trees.
"—and Gendou-sensei is around somewhere, too. Everything is fine."
Hiroshi’s mother sighed, and looked around. "I know. It’s just...it’s getting dangerous, isn’t it?"
Hiroshi nodded solemnly. "That’s what I keep saying, but no, you have to make the trip to the capital every season to the retail convention." He sighed as he threw up his hands in exasperation. "It's not like you can't just order from the catalogs."
A deep and cultured voice filtered through the trees. "I am sure your mother understands the need for safety, Hiroshi. She has her responsibilities, just as we have ours."
The shadows parted, revealing a tall man outfitted in all black Jounin gear. He walked up to the struggling Sound ninja and lifted his dark glasses. His one red eye examined the knots, and he nodded curtly in approval.
"My apologies for the deception, Moriyama-san," he said, bowing politely to Hiroshi’s mother.
Misato smiled weakly. "It’s fine, really," she said. "No real harm done, right?"
The blond girl stood up, hoisting the Sound ninja up onto his feet. "Would you like us to escort you to Konoha, Misato-san?"
"Thank you, Hotaru," Misato replied. "I would feel safer if you did."
Hotaru nodded, dragging the ninja to the cart. "What were you talking about back there, about them not attacking this road?" she asked Hiroshi, keeping her eyes on the figure. "Otokagure is this direction."
"Yeah, but you’d think they’d know we’d expect an assault from this direction," Hiroshi replied, hopping onto one of the few seats on the cart. "If they were smart, they'd circle around and strike at the far road."
Hotaru frowned. "But Konoha would be expecting them to do that, you'd think. Wouldn't they figure most of our defenses would be focused on that road? Which means that their best route would be the most direct."
"Reverse psychology, huh? Well then, couldn't you take it another step further and say they'd know we'd expect them to double back to the more direct route, and keep the bulk of our defenses there?"
"This is making my head hurt..."
After pausing to collect Kensuke – who was still fiddling with latches on some strange contraption – and his dog, the cart and its escort continued along the road through the forest. The trussed-up Oto-nin was still struggling, propped up in the pile of designer rugs in the back.
Continue to Chapter Two
Yes, it's a Naruto fanfic. SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT.
I figure the way I'm going to do this is in two parts. The first part will be the main story, which will have continuous chapters and a plot and such. The second part will be completely seperate from the main story, and will be little snapshots of these original characters in various time periods and situations. A series of one-shots, basically. This will allow me to have a creative outlet and continue with the world and the characters when the main story is frustrating me, so that I don't just give up completely.
What do you think?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 08:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 10:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 03:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 10:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 03:53 pm (UTC)I look forward to seeing more, especially more special ninja powers.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 11:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-27 03:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 05:36 pm (UTC)You wanted a critique, right?
The fight scene, I think, wasn't as clear as it could have been. I don't like the fact that the blonde chick's name is left out for quite so long, and the dialog in the scene there seems as though it would fit better post-fight.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-26 10:14 pm (UTC)I suck at fight scenes. Always have known this. What do you think could have been worded differently?
I don't like the fact that the blonde chick's name is left out for quite so long
I was worried about that too. I wasn't sure how to work it in earlier, though. Any suggestions?
and the dialog in the scene there seems as though it would fit better post-fight.
Hmm, okay. I'll play around and see what I can do.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-27 01:10 am (UTC)So far as her name, it wouldn't be hard for the mom to say it, would it, considering she knows the girl already, and she already spilled the ninja beans on her son?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-27 02:10 am (UTC)Thank you. <3
(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-27 09:13 pm (UTC)